How to Ease the Pain of Living With an Ex After a Breakup

Posted by Beth Lynch
in Relationships & Dating

What happens if you must live with your ex? In today’s world, more and more couples are finding themselves living with an ex after a breakup or divorce due to financial or legal complications.This can be an absolute emotional nightmare!! Especially if you are still in love with your ex.

How can you handle the awkward situations that are sure to arise while trying to live as roommates instead of as a couple? Do you ignore each other? What happens if they start dating and flaunt it in front of you? Can you really do this?

Ending a relationship and carrying on living together is hard! It can be hard enough to move to the next level as it is. However, if you find this necessary, you can start the process by beginning to operate as separate units.

At first, you may try to carry on like nothing had happened. Cooking dinner as before or texting to see when they are going to be home, but by doing this, you are putting out confusing messages – why act like you are still together when you just told them that’s what you don’t want? This is stopping the healing process from getting underway.

  • You don’t have the same rights as you did when you were together.
  • You don’t need to know where they are; in fact, it’s best if you don’t.
  • You don’t get to talk to them the same way.

They don’t have to fix you a drink, pick up your stuff, or even care what you are thinking. And you need to respect that.

As hard as it can be, you need to try to set your agreement up as a typical roommate situation. You need to think of this relationship now as if you were renting a room out to a stranger.

Here are some things you can do to make living with your ex easier on both of you:

Set clear boundaries for finances and behavior

  • Who will be responsible for what household expenses?
  • Who will be responsible for what household chores?

Don’t force small talk

Just because you are in the same room together doesn’t mean you have to talk about the weather or make small talk to fill the time. You don’t have to ignore one another completely, but don’t force a conversation.

Don’t cook together

It creates an atmosphere of false intimacy and expectations. Make separate spaces in the fridge and cupboards for groceries.

Don’t drink together

This just leads to fights or makeup sex, neither of which is a good idea. It is always going to end badly.

Sleep in different rooms!

Make sure you give each other space by spending more time in your room or a spare room.

Discuss how you will deal with having friends over

What times or days? If they are mutual friends and it may cause tension, perhaps it would be best to meet up outside the house or at a time when your ex is not going to be home.

Don’t bring dates home

This should go without saying! This can be devastating to the person that is having more difficulty moving on, not to mention awkward for your date. Sure, it’s considerate to let them know that you are dating, but don’t go into detail. Don’t ask questions you would rather not want the answer to! If you are being picked up for a date, meet them beyond the front door.

Spend more time with friends and family

Stay overnight with them as much as possible to help relieve the stress of seeing your ex every day. Spend more time outdoors doing the things you enjoy. Learn to do for you.

Respect each other’s privacy

Treat the bathroom as if you are living with a stranger, make sure you lock the door so as not to accidentally walk in on them.

Set a move out date as soon as possible

Limiting the amount of time you live together will ease tensions and allow both parties to heal. See if you can room with family or friends, or see if your ex has a potential roommate they would want to move in to ease financial burdens.

So, yes, this does mean you’re going to have to pick those towels up off the bathroom floor and eat and cook alone.

Remember – things you owned before you got together or bought for yourself – they’re still yours. Gifts you bought for your ex – they belong to them.

It’s okay to remain friends, but it will be hard! Remember that you are two people now on different paths – separate paths. If you want to remain, friends, you will need to forge a brand new type of relationship. But it is doable. After all, you do have a history and what friend knows you better?

FAQ: Living with an Ex After a Breakup

Q: Is it really possible to live with an ex after a breakup?

Yes, but it’s undeniably difficult and likely an emotional rollercoaster. Many couples face this situation due to financial constraints, legal complications, or shared custody of children. While challenging, it’s possible to navigate this situation with clear boundaries, mutual respect, and open communication.

Q: How should I behave around my ex while living together?

Avoid pretending nothing changed. Don’t force small talk or engage in activities that create an illusion of intimacy, like cooking or drinking together. Treat each other like respectful roommates, not romantic partners.

Q: What boundaries should I set when living with my ex?

Establish clear boundaries regarding finances, chores, and guests. Decide who pays what, who’s responsible for which chores, and how to handle visits from friends and family. Most importantly, never bring dates home.

Q: How do I protect my emotional well-being in this situation?

Give each other space by spending time in separate rooms. Avoid unnecessary interactions and resist the urge to pry into their life. Focus on self-care, spend time with loved ones, and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist.

Q: What if my ex starts dating someone new?

This is one of the hardest parts. It’s natural to feel hurt or jealous, but remind yourself that you both have the right to move on. Minimize contact with their new partner and limit conversations about your dating lives to avoid further pain.

Q: What about shared belongings and possessions?

Generally, items owned before the relationship or bought individually remain with the original owner. Gifts purchased during the relationship typically belong to the receiver. Openly discuss any shared items to avoid future conflicts.

Q: Can we remain friends while living together?

It’s possible, but challenging. Forging a new, platonic friendship takes time, effort, and emotional maturity. Respect each other’s boundaries and acknowledge that you’re on separate paths.

Q: What is the most important thing to remember when living with an ex?

Prioritize your well-being. This situation is temporary. Focus on self-care, seek support, and remember that you deserve happiness and respect. Set a move-out date as soon as financially and logistically feasible to minimize tension and allow both parties to heal.

Comments

Kristy Petersen:

I think as long as the boundaries are clear and set and you follow above guidelines I could totally live with an x. Although my first husband thinks I’m the spawn of satan… I could totally have lived together we actually used to get along great when we first split.
Kristy xx
Ps so interesting seeing the votes… no yes’s yet surprises me… I said maybe because it depends on situation.
Reply
    Beth Lynch:

    Hi Kristy, It can definitely be a challenge! The number one thing is respect for each other during this highly emotional time. I was surprised also. So many are being forced to nowadays.
    Reply
Corinne:

My husband is divorcing me and we have to live together. This is the most painful experience i’ve ever been through. I’m still in love with him. We also have two girls. 6 & 8. I cry nearly every day. I have no where else to go. We both want full custody and we both want the house. I am in hell. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I’m in counseling but it’s not helping. Seeing him every day, it’s like my heart rips in two continuously. I know it would be better for me if i could live somewhere else. But i’ve been a housewife for the past 8 years. I am currently looking for work but not having any luck. I’m trying to get a social life again. My husband and kids have been my world. This is unbearable. Death would be a blessing.
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    Alex:

    I AM at the beginning have to make a choice. I look at her in the morning while she sleeps and just breaks my heart all over
    Reply
    Kat:

    It’s ok to feel hurt, that’s expected. What you cannot let yourself do is become so worried in yourself that you lose sight of the happiness of your kids. They need you. They need him. For the sake of the kids please be patient with your feelings and allow yourself to grieve. Your kids are always going to love you and need you.
    Reply
    Rhenna:

    I can definitely relate. No kids but we’ve been together for 14 years and still living together. She is seeing someone else whom is mentally and now getting physically abusive with her. I’m still in love and this is so hard to watch right before my eyes. wish you luck!
    Reply
    kyanna c:

    praying for you !!!!
    Reply
    just:

    I am in the same spot i feel you as a husband..shes with someone else
    Reply
    Mamabell:

    I am so sorry you are going thru such a sad and tough situation. My husband whom ive known for over 15 years just broke up with me. We share a home and 3 children. Neither of us can move out financially and don’t want to hurt our children. It is a tough situation because I still want to be with him and still love him. He is just done with me. I know I have to be strong for my children. I am looking for a job. I also have been working out and taking better care of my self. Keeping busy helpse a lot. Its not easy but you will het through it.
    Reply
Tina:

Please don’t think that way. Think about your girls. My sister felt the same way and actually did take her life and left her boys. Please fight for your girls.
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BrokenInOhio:

I unfortunately was thrown back into my exes home. We were working on things after I left him 7 months ago due to the rapid descent of our relationship. It was well at first but not only had henot changed. He’s worse. And where I was living and doing so well and was so close to being myself again and on my feet, For reasons unknown, Threw me out that last night I spent at his house(he recently got emergency full custody of his eight year old and I love his children so he asked for help due to his crazy work schedule. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but his actions speak otherwise. Infact they say how much he can’t stand to be around me. I don’t feel love, I don’t feel anything good from him. And now because he won’t leave me be homeless, I’m living here in his home and he won’t just admit that he’s not in love so we can coexist and I’ll help with the kids, dog and house, all he has to do is just be nice. But that seems to hard. I need him to be honest, it’s not going to hurt me anymore than I am. His honesty will be the first step in my progressing but he just won’t do it. I know he talks to other women and is looking, he debys it and gets so angry. I don’t question them at all. I only say this to him when he gets mad that I tell him we shouldn’t share a room and when I don’t say “I love you” back. I remind him that he is not in love with me rtc and he gets so angry and is always “Woe is Me” with him. What can I do to try and get him to be open and honest so we can make this tolerable ?
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Heather:

I am currently living with my ex cause we have know other family our friends we can split up and stay with right now. We had a pregnancy scare and since then he has been treating me like crap and acting like a different person. He has said some really hurtful stuff to me that has broken my heart. I don’t know what to do our how to be around him without want go off but I don’t want to fight. Any advice on how I can try and get through this till one of us can leave?
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Donna:

It’s Hard trust me…..
Cause im experiencing it now…
We argue almost everyday…..
Extremely Hard…..
=(
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Angel:

One of the hardest things i ever did was break up with the guy i loved so much but he left me with no choice. He doesn’t get along with my son from a previous marriage, after waiting 4 years of engagement he decided he couldn’t be bothered to be married and when we had an unplanned pregnancy he was unsupportive to the point i had to accept being a single mother to 2 children (sadly our child died) so i ended our relationship. We have been living as flat mates for over a year now it hasn’t been an easy ride not by a long shot. He simply cannot afford to move out and at the moment nor can i. Until either of us reaches that point we are stuck together. My son doesn’t care he is indifferent to the situation.
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Lala:

The most painful experience I never had
We still live together and he take advantage Finacial and emotional. I can’t wait to get out
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gladys:

This was so helpful for me as well since i separated from my husband of 15 years with three kids after he wake up one morning and said he didn’t want to be with me anymore,he asked me to leave but i refused and now we stay in the house together with our kids but in separate rooms.

its not easy atall but im happy my children are able to see both of us every day and im hoping that as soon as i get a better job,i will leave his home with my kids.

but im glad that we can share such helpful information and advice.
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K.h:

My boyfriend of over a year and I have not been getting along for the past month. It keeps going back to loving each other than fighting with each other and it’s breaking my heart. Tonight he asked to “sleep on it” before we make the decision of trying to really make this work. If we decide we can’t do this anymore, neither of us can afford our own place so we’d become roommates. Just the thought of that kills me. This helped a lot though and I’ll be reading more guides on how to live with an ex.

Wish me luck
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Vita:

This have really help me out tonight,
I thought I was the only one having problems. But I can see others have worst problems then I do
Reply
Jazzett:

I’m going through this right now. And it hurts she and I were together for 13 years. We broke up for a number of years and then ended up moving in as best friends. I can’t get her out of my system we haven’t been together in years and it still hurts so bad. She’s out of town this weekend with the girlfriend that she’s been with for a year now. I have to act like everything’s okay when she gets home is not to cause a rift between us. It’s getting easier but then again out of nowhere straight out of left field my heart gets pierced again on occasions like this when she’s out of town with her. I need the support group
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Brooke:

My boyfriend of 3 years just broke up with me last night because he doesn’t see a future with me. We have been living together for a year and a half and I actually moved 5 hrs away from my hometown and my family so I can live with him so my situation is very hard. He still loves me and of course I love him but like I said, he doesn’t see a future with me. I really am so lost and don’t know what to do. It feels like my world is crumbling down. If I leave, I not only lose a place to live but my job and the friends I’ve made here.
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Shannon:

This is a helpful article for me, as my boyfriend recently broke up with me, but I have two kids and nowhere to go. He said he loves me, just not the same as he used to. It hurts having to see him everyday. Some days, I don’t even want to come home. I’ve had thoughts of death, but I think of my children loving and needing me. I just hope I can get past this pain somehow.
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Annie:

My heart is deeply breaking with my new reality that I have lost the love of my life. I am still in love with him but he no longer wants to continue the relationship with me after 7 years together and buying a house together 5 years ago. Neither one of us can afford to leave our living situation and live comfortably on our own. There have been many red flags along the way that I would end up in this situation…and here I am. I wish I never had put myself in this predicament, and if I ever free myself from this nightmare, I never will again. A home should be a refuge not a prison. In the beginning you want so much the love and acceptance from the other, you over look so many issues in order to promote the love and the wonderful feeling of being loved by another. Then eventually when the love becomes so fractured your love bleeds out never to return. Only to be replaced by a broken heart and a brutal new reality of deeply hurt feelings and worthlessness. There is a truly beautiful side of being love and a tragic ugly side of being love. Why do so many people seek after love when it can become so heartless.
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AlishaK:

HELLLP! My boyfriend of 2 years whom I love deeply just broke up with me. At first he said he needed time to work on himself and draw closer to God. So we could be living right and not shacking up I have been sleeping in the spare bedroom. He finally broke up with me now saying he feel out of love with me. I have had breakdowns that he can’t deal with and he leaves the house. I have since come to realization that if he doesn’t love me anymore I can’t force him. THE HARD PART for me however is that I am in a state with no family, and although I work I barely get by. This is his house and is allowing me tine to get on my feet and even take me to work like he did before. However I don’t want to make this harder for him to still have to deal with me, but I really have no Thee options at the moment. What is the best way to go about this? I’ve never been faced with something like this and the anxiety of it all is getting to be a bit much.
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Jeff:

Stuck in a holding pattern. I was accused of cheating when she was pregnant with our second child. I wasn’t, didn’t and we coexisted for 5 years for who knows why. We never went on a single date after that. She completely became pta mom and gave up on any us mom career only focus F me. She smokes weed every single day is a good mother, but has made it clear I may not even touch her hand. Nothing I have done to remodel the house or help with the children is noticed in the slightest. After 5 years of a sexless marriage she leaves me, but has lived here for 10 months being the ice queen since. There is no nice way to say get the fuck out so I can move on. She looks at real estate listings daily, but never seems to find the perfect key ready paradise she can’t afford. We’re stuck house like ours have gone up 40k in 10 years and she wants a better one for the same money.
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Leshara Lowery:

I am currently living with my ex and it’s a nightmare. We just broke up for the hundredth time and for me the feeling never changes. We’ve been in each other’s lives for 15 years and aren’t even married, what real woman would do this to herself. We have children together and I have seen how this affects them every time. I know it’s unhealthy and I’m ready to be about just me and them but we LIVE TOGETHER 😖! I have read the other comments and can say my situation is similar in some ways. He walks around the house like I don’t even exist! He’s cheated on me prior to the break-up and has said some horrible things to me. It’s been a mental challenge and I know how easy it is for him to move on but it’s been difficult for me. I feel like screaming when we pass each other and say nothing. We have talked to the kids (separately) but I know it hurts them as well. Unlike some others I do work and go to school but moving out is a difficult task for me and embarrassing to say the least. I have to endure hell right before my eyes for a while longer. I could keep going but there’s no point, I will do all I can to follow this steps and hopefully move on and heal for me, and learn to love me always. Good luck everyone, we all need it.
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zelda:

I Like this site and would like to now more.
Reply
Holly:

Currently going through this and I’ve been through some bad breakups but this one seems to hurt the most. We’ve been through a lot together only being 2 years and our son is about to be a year old. I thought we were doing great together. We had our struggles but we helped each other through everything. I seen my future happy with him in it. He broke up with me out of nowhere a few months ago and still can’t give me a real reason why. Each time I ask it’s something different. I’m still living here with him because I can’t afford anywhere on my own. The pain I feel everyday is almost unbearable. I can’t touch him or tell him I love him anymore. I honestly wish my feelings for him would go away. I want to hate him but I can’t. He threw away everything we worked hard for together. I sacrificed a lot just to be with him to begin with. I don’t know how to move on from this and I know I have to.
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DonnaT:

My (ex) husband and I are in a similar situation. We were together 10 years, been divorced for 1 year now, but due to circumstances created throughout the marriage, I have nowhere to go. My 2 children from a previous marriage have been stuck in the wreckage as well. The oldest left and moved in with her dad soon after graduation and my other daughter has 1 more year before she’s out of high school. She’s the only reason I continue to stay. I personally would rather live in my car. The mind games he plays has driven me to the point of suicide many times. Only the shame of leaving my daughter stops me. I’ve applied for so many jobs, followed up, reached out to assistance programs, as well as private programs, but they either have nothing available or I don’t qualify. With no family and no friends, I just get through each day as best as I can. I can’t believe I ever got into this situation to begin with. And I honestly don’t know how I will get out.
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Will:

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of three years. I helped him through a suicide attempt, I loved him regardless, as time went on he got better, pursued his masters with little luck to get the “Best Score”. It would send his OCD, PTSD, and depression into a frenzy. He spent the next year contemplating what he was going to do with life because his fellowship at a major institution was going to end. He spent most nights worried about the future… I considered it his condition. He got a stable job, I thought things would get better, he still pursued his masters again and would lean on me to help talk him off a ledge. I found myself helping/ supporting someone who pursued his own needs rather than ever showing appreciation or reciprocity of taking time to show me love. I wonder if I just wanted the satisfaction of saving him, or if I really loved him. He cheated on me during COVID-19. I am undetectable. He put my health in danger, he became the boogie man, I couldn’t forgive him. I made the decision to break up this month because we are having to renew our lease, I cant live with someone who disrespects me on a weekly/ monthly basis. He got upset I asked him to start paying half the rent, because I was kindly paying more. I also stopped the Blue Apron/ Martha and Marley meals. Once the amenities and support of our relationship dwindled he really started to reveal himself. I still love him but I have to show I love myself more and that Im not IN LOVE with him.
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Heartbroken:

My ex husband and I recently moved back in with each other due to a variety of issues….we are recently divorced after 20 years together. I found out this week that he has a “friendship” with another women and has seen her in person….something I was completely unaware of when he moved in. When I try to ask about it, he either blows up or says he doesn’t owe me anything. So much of what we do is confusing like eating dinner together or asking me to run errands….so now I’m in shock and my heart is breaking, but I’m the bully for asking….just trying to understand where we are headed and just feel like I am being used.
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Liva Engstrom:

When you break up with your live-in significant other and decide that you re never, ever, ever getting back together, the ideal outcome would be for one of you to move out, cut off all contact with each other, and let the healing begin. Only, with the cost of living being so high and wages being so, well, not high the whole moving out thing might not be possible, leaving you to cope with the not-so-ideal outcome of always, always, always being stuck together.
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Natasha:

My boyfriend broke up with me a few days before lockdown and 2 months before our 5 year anniversary. Also About an hour after his 7 year old daughter told me she considered me to be her second mum. He told me he felt stuck in a rut for the past year and that was the first time I saw him cry. We hugged and drank and went to our separate rooms. We hadn’t slept in the same room for about 2 years due to my snoring. We live together as we have 2 dogs together, we’re in financial difficulties and he hasn’t told his daughter about us, in fear of causing her heartache! I struggled in the beginning as I lived him and didn’t want to let go! I didn’t eat, I couldn’t stop crying and I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. A few months down the line and he got drunk one night so I told him about a new vibrator I purchased. He did we should try it out and of course, I wanted that too! We had a long night of sex and then I finally felt a little more free and I didn’t cry. Another couple of weeks passed and he was drunk again and asked for a blowjob, which I obliged to as I enjoyed that he wanted something from me! I felt powerful! Now a month later and I’m back to feeling depressed! I cry when I think about him, I dog sit so I am out of the house on the odd occasion and I spend time sitting and thinking! I don’t know how to deal with this as when he drinks, he’s like his old self, flirty with me! When he’s sober, he seems distant! We sit and watch Netflix together on a small 2 seater sofa and our feet touch! We make jokes about stuff and then it’s bed time and we go our separate ways and the next day, it’s like we’re strangers again. I am struggling and don’t know how to turn the emotions off! I also suffer with pcos so my hormones are messed up! I don’t know what to do!
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Lucia:

My boyfriend just said he loves me but not as a wife that he will like us to because friends only why living together
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Lauren:

My boyfriend of almost 16 years and I are splitting up. We have three boys ages 14, 12 and 11. My parents bought us a house and I pay all the bills because he has been unemployed for several months due to the pandemic. We have had a very rocky road and he has cheated on me numerous times throughout our relationship. I have forgiven him multiple times because I love him with all my heart(for some stupid reason) and he has been the only man I have been with since I was 16 years old, now 32. I literally have NEVER cheated on him. Now I found out 4 days ago that when my mother came over while I was at work, they had sex in our spare room on our spare bed. This has actually happened before but I was always promised that incident only happened once when I was 16 and I didn’t find out about that incident until I was in my 20’s and we already had all our children. I think its bull shit of course and must have been going on more than 2 times. I’m so frustrated and sad I feel betrayed to the worst degree. Especially since we seemed to be working things out well and he had made a renewed promise to me to make our relationship better. He was so convincing and I thought he truly was in love with me. Now I’m stuck supporting him cause I’m not a heartless bitch that will make him homeless. He used to be the breadwinner and over the past 9 years that role changed to me with his constant lack of employment and other problems. It’s so hard too because he is a true narcissist and acts like a dominant man but lacks the other good qualities a real man has. I have set a move out of feb. 1, 2021 which I believe is very gracious of me considering the fact he screwed my mother! This is super challenging for my mental and emotional health. My mother is a whole other problem, seeing as how she has been married to my dad for almost 38 years. Oh by the way she is 61 and pretty overweight. He is 39 super muscular works out every day and hot as hell. I am average but I workout out all the time and eat healthy so basically what I’m saying is, I dont see what the attraction is between them it’s super gross! I love my mom but I really kind of hate her right now and she hasn’t told my dad or brother and I haven’t either. Unfortunately the kids do know about because of a screaming fight I had with him. He is acting like nothing ever happened has not apologized to me and instead told me that he doesnt care how I feel.i feel so bad for my children because they look up to their dad so much and he is their teacher right now since they are doing online school. My poor children are probably so damaged from this even though they act like their fine. Now I’m stuck living with him until he leaves. I have asked him to leave several times before and he has refused. But I dont want to kick my childrens father out on the street. And no he has literally no family or friends to stay with. This just sucks and I feel like this nightmare will never end.
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mary james:

I want to sincerely appreciate prophet munak for saving my marriage from divorce and bring back my husband again. my husband who have left me for over five months now during the covid-19 to stay with his mistress hes returned back with the help of prophet munak. when i contacted him through his email [holyprophet8@gmail. com]
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oscarwilde:

We just broke up last night. He said he was tired and fed up. I love him so much and he said he still loves me. And when I asked him if he really meant that we break up; he said “maybe.” Were living togethet and it hurts me to staying with him in the same room. I cannot even stand looking at him or listening to his voice now. The room is burning and I feel so miserable. I feel each one of you. But I am still hoping somehow we can sort everything… in due time.
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Ren:

My significant other refuses to cooperate and is hell bent on making my life unbearable. He would rather make my 15 yr old son and I move from the house I found and got us in than simply leave us in peace. All bills are in MY name and he refuses to pay his 1/2 of the bills. To make matters worse, he hates my dog, so I cant leave for overnights. Every day is HELL here. I know I should just buck up and leave.
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Paul champkin:

My Ex ended our year and a half relationship several months ago.. I struggle especially now he has a new partner.. We live together still and he trys to make things easy for me but its hard.. He has told me he doesn’t love me but cares a lot about me.. And he goes out and stays with his new partner a lot whilst I’m alone with his pets.. I have no friends only work colleagues as I moved away from my home town to be with him… I can’t help but still do stuff for him I know i shouldn’t but i can’t help it… I still love him even though the feeling isn’t mutual. I have a lonely life now its unbareble. What do I do??
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Terry:

I have been with my wife 24 years,married nearly 23,,it had been Turbulant,and infidelity on both sides,she could be a controlling bully,and stupidly I would blow up right back at her,defending myself from her nasty sarcastic Jibes,intimacy had been out the window for years,but we continued,we did have something though,built up our assets with a goal for retirement,I so hoped we would get through what I thought was her Menopausal behaviours,and yes I didn’t help around the house,and become overweight,a helluva lot of our problems was down to me,but she had a hand in it too,always out with her Neice,

six years ago out the blue she wanted to sing,and form an 80’s duo with me,as she was jealous of my new female singing partner,who actually graciously moved out the way,for the sake of my marriage,,,my wife took to it,and we started doing well for gigs,,her Psioratic Arthiritis took its toll though in the long cold winters of the UK.

In Oct 2019 we moved to Spain to live a lovely life,and mainly to ease her pain,I retire and we both gig,and her firm kept her on,Part time,so financially we should be secure doing what we like.but it was tough a transition,,I struggled with depression I think to a degree,within 4 months she fell in love with an acquaintance I introduced her to,and she had an on off affair,totally disinterested in what we had planned,she move out for a while,until he dumped her,,,,she reluctantly moved back for financial reasons as we have no gigs due to covid,,,,now co habiting,,,I have educated myself on what went wrong,mostly me,but she wasn’t blameless,I have read books and articles on MLC,menopause and how be both handled our disagreements so completely wrongly and Immaturely, and I know we could fix us,but she is adamant just wants to co habit living largely separate lives,although we do actually do some things together,it’s like a 1/3 of a marriage life,I live in hope she will gradually see less of her new male gay friends,who she feels safe with,her best friend is a lovely guy,whom I have met a number of times,it’s horrid being in limbo,I’m too scare break free in case we do work out,but I don’t want to live this limbo forever, dated for a while,and thought I was moving on,but that last split she had,changed my perspective again.although she has told he friends she won’t ever be my wife again,some of her actions,and many articles I have read,tells me to hang on in a while longer.as feelings may change,once the lockdowns and restrictions end,maybe then the true outcome will manifest.
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Charmane camper:

I am in that same situation right now and i dont know what to do it is really driving me crazy because he brings that person to where we are living and it is very stressful and awkward and hurts at the same time.
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Anon:

I am so sorry to hear about everyones situation. I know it can be hell… But we have to be strong for ourselves. Love yourself more than you have, you are your own everything. We come to the world alone and we will leave alone. Remember that there is always someone (a pet, children or others) who loves you, do not give up. I have never been a selfish person and thus I am stuck in the same situation. My Wife has periodically cyber, emotional and most likely physically cheated on me in the last 10 years. Due to her moving to my country I felt I could not tell her to leave previously. She now earns more than I do and treats me like shit, her actions can get scary. She will do what she wants, always has a rude attitude and continues to blame me for her wondering eyes. I want her gone and want my freedom again. Believe it or not, she has recently stated she wants to stay with me and love me. I feel disgusted at the thought as I am over her chameleon colours. I cried and begged her in the past not to have affairs but she carried on and even now she says she has a “friend” on the side. These cheater types will never change. Spare yourself the humiliation and end it once and for all. I don’t know what she wants but it just feels like convenience and comforts of home without a relationship or love. I have set all my finances straight so legally she can go. I wish you all the best of luck.
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Courtney:

I live with my ex… fiance and my daughter stay with us . i really wanna call him an ex but every time I break up with him its like he agrees , says he is done with me tooo or “good riddance”, then 10- 15 min go by, sometimes a couple hours go by ..then he just acts like we are still together.. we dont talk it out or discuss getting back together… i never agree to being with him again….and he acts like nothing ever happenned..i think the longest he has gone before doing this…was a day tops. how do I live with him if he doesn’t get what he is doing … honestly its like he forgets or something.. im beginning to believe he has split personality disorder and i dont know what to do. One minute he is this loving guy who never wants to be without me, then he is this hateful man who is so overf me and happy we are done, then sometimes he acts like he just dnt care at all… i just want to be happy and we can only be happy if its done his way, how he says , or he makes life living hell…and there is no medium unless i just try to be and act however he wants. somebody help me
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NaTasha L Ahlin:

I’m not going to make it through this. I want to die.
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Dee:

Help me please my husband of 10 years told me he loves me but something has changed his feelings his calling time on the 10 year marriage we’ve had a tough time volatile etc I still love him and had an apithany about myself I want to still be with him I still love him but his hurt and put a barrier up we have to still live together all but in separate rooms it’s breaking my heart everyday seeing him wishing we could try one last time.
How am I meant to just live in our family home but separately there’s nobody else involved he just said his had enough fighting we’ve drifted but his still being decent to me I just want to hold him tell him I’m sorry and sort the marriage out but his stubborn I think somewhere in there he still has love for me but has put up a wall.
No rush he said to divorce just keep it stress free we are all but married still I cook for him he stills gives me money etc only thing separating us being together is separate bedrooms not sex or proper affection I’m so confused please can someone relate we are still going to counselling once a week but am I kidding myself we can ever sort this out and start the marriage over with help x
I miss him so much but he won’t budge 😢💔
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Terry:

It’s been over 13 months cohabiting,the other guy ditched her nearly 14 months ago,she spent so much time out of the house,but using Gottman’s four horsemen antidotes,and just standing up for myself instead of letting it go till I exploded,,we are getting on better than ever,we do a lot together now,as she has calmed down her need to be out with her gay male friends,in fact her best Gay friend,apparently had stern words with her on my behalf,and has been great,I don’t know how this will turn out,but we have a pretty good liveable arrangement under such dire initial circumstances,she doesn’t seem interested in other men,she got so badly burned.and seems she is appreciating my standing for the marriage and being the lighthouse,I hope she realises old feelings one day.
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Terry:

@charmaine,how’s things now ?
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Candice:

I am currently living with my now ex-husband since 8/22/22, however he also now sleeping with the female that we have taken care of (22 yrs younger than him) for 5 years now, as we helped her not lose her son to drugs… He cheated on me and one day told me we were not in love anymore and he wanted a divorce. We have been together for 15 years. He ended up giving the female’s baby his last name, he is not the biological father. I do not want her living in our marital home anymore and the home has been on the market for 52 days to be sold, with no luck. How can I get out of this home or get her out of my home. I pay all the bills, they pay nothing, however he and I are on the title.
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Jen:

I’ve been in a on and off relationship for 5 years we were engaged and had a date set but he started scaring me out of actually getting married so I left him for about 5 months. We got back together in hopes to make things better but never changed anything so we are both still very hurt angry and unhappy. I truly wanted to make things work but he just told me he doesn’t want to feel burdened with this relationship. I moved 2 states away to be with him and I’m not financially prepared to just move out. It hurts so much because I just want things to be normal and be happy when that isn’t reality. We’ve grown apart we don’t do anything together anymore we barely see each other and when we do all we do is drink. It’s so hard to let go especially when we have to live together. I wish I never came back
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Blake:

My ex and I have been living as exes/roommates for just shy of a year now. Despite us being what can modestly be described as a “success story” based on the way things started, I can attest to the fact that it was Hell on earth when we first fell out. I’d been falling farther and farther out of love for the better part of a year up until that point and was getting so emotionally burnt out from pretending (My ex was extremely codependent and I was too scared of what might happen if I broke up with them, so I kept pretending everything was okay. They would later confirm my fears and attempt to take their life when I finally did try to break things off) that I things finally came crashing down. Following my ex’s psychiatric hospital stay, the two of us started going to couple’s therapy and continued going once a week until only a few months ago (so ~10 or so months total).

The counseling was a complete game-changer. Of course, the original intent was to sort through the fallout and repair the relationship, but it ended with both myself and my ex understanding ourselves better and realizing that, while we were still very close, a romantic relationship was just no longer meant to be. And while we’re both in much more positive places in our lives, mentally speaking, that process was not without its challenges and setbacks. There was a period of working through resentments, of venting hurt and frustration, of re-learning how to communicate effectively without injecting residual emotions into our words–it was not a linear process. But if two people can commit to couple’s counseling and see it through, no matter what the end goals may be, it can pay off in spades. Especially coming up on holidays, it can be incredibly emotionally taxing to have to only coexist with someone your heart wants you to be closer to, to see others enjoying the thing you once had and knowing it’s just beyond your reach, to see someone else moving on while you’re still not ready. It’s going to hurt like Hell and there’s no way to prevent it from doing so. But if you can weather the storm I can promise you, you’ll love who you are on the other side of it.

Always keep in mind the people in your life who do still love you, who do still need you and want you with them. The past year or so, despite the improvements I made in therapy, has been the darkest of my life, and I have contemplated and attempted taking it multiple times. The only thing that stopped me in those moments was the three cats my ex and I still share, and knowing my handling of most of their care means they would be without if I was gone. I’m estranged from my family, I have no friends, and my desire for emotional or romantic connection with anyone is nonexistent at this point, but I found a reason in the three beings that still love me unconditionally and need me to be around. Find your reason, and you’ll be able to weather even the most difficult of times.

I’m sorry if any of this sounded preachy. Please consider couple’s counseling if you have the means, even if your goal is only to co-exist and not to repair the relationship. It can give you invaluable skills to communicate with your ex and make living with each other for whatever length of time you have left bearable. It’s not going to make the pain and grief over the relationship disappear, but it will give you the tools you need to tackle it. You are all strong individuals and have made it this far, you’re strong enough to come out the other side of it too. I believe in you.
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Anna:

This message is for everyone who is hurting so badly on this thread-

LOVE YOURSELF. Love yourself the way you hoped they would love you. I know your world feels like it is crumbling, you have no options, you only want them to take you back and to love you… but they won’t. And you know what? That’s a good thing, because they are not good enough for you.

Not because they are a bad person, or because you are, but because you deserve to be cared for, respected, and appreciated for who you are and they just don’t, or can’t, because of something about them.

Even if you have issues- everyone does. You deserve to be loved and right now, this very moment, it can start with you. People who discard others are often those who prey upon those with low self esteem. They may not realize it, what they are doing, but I hope you do.

Right now, right here, make the choice to take care of yourself and love yourself. Don’t let the fact that they couldn’t love you like you deserve cheer on the inner voice that says there is something wrong with you that is not enough. LOVE YOURSELF. BE KIND TO YOU. Tell yourself that whatever it takes, you are going to save yourself, and your kids, if you have them. You are worth so muvh more than a cold place to exist. I know housing is so, so hard to find. Put one foot in front of the other and fight for you until you are far away, until you feel strong again
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Trying to stay stable:

Been with the same person for 17 yrs married for 12. During Covid we bought a house together we have kids together, a family member moved in advise we get a divorce he listened, his family member wants to also be with me but it is not the same for me. He got mad when my now (ex) husband and I would cuddle on the couch or do anything. After things hit the fan, he moved into the family members room, I get punishments (not allowed to hug, kiss touch etc, my ex, (yes my ex does say this) it’s ok that he gets mad at me when he has bad days, yells at the kids. Tells me if I don’t like how things are to just leave, now also I’m in therapy, I have borderline personality disorder, ptsd, anxiety and depression all of this stemmed from my history growing up and my ex knew this, now this issue is now it’s baggage… yes I had my faults and he had his during the relationship none of us were perfect but I worked on myself! I did everything I needed to. Al while he would bring up the past, literally bring up triggers for me, and then get mad at me
Or say something and when I bring it up to him, he says I never said that, I don’t know what your talk about. Now I’m starting to feel like I’m going crazy that I am insane. He said if I completed a yr of therapy he would remarry me. I would ask him about my progress and he said your making progress in areas that aren’t as important and when I would ask he says he told me multiple times already then turn and say that if I forgot then clearly I don’t give a care about him. Which isn’t true because I do. Im in love with him. I ask because I don’t know what areas I need to work on. Im quiet, I don’t argue, I do as I’m told, I work, I clean, I cook, I do everything but somehow
Im still doing something wrong….
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Grant Shuster:

I’m in the thick of it. My stbx-wife announced that she wants a divorce over three months ago, and she had moved into a mattress under one of the kids’ loft beds. The kids do not yet know about the impending separation and divorce. My stbx-wife has detached herself emotionally from me, but I have not yet managed to detach myself emotionally from her, so this is kind of killing me. It’s super-lonely when she takes the kids to her parents’ for the weekend, which she often does. Anyway, some of the advice is hard to take because of the kids.
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Andrew S:

I guess my situation is completely different now, It includes Visas c to stay legally in the country and my Financial stability situation, We Broke up over a year and my Ex-boyfriend Supports me financially, he’s going back to dating and having occasional sex with other guys he brings them home, I honestly wish I wasn’t gay being gay its extremely hard these days with dating apps its impossible to find decent genuine people, I Have been hurt lately because he is bringing guys over quite often and today I realised that I’m falling into depression because of this I depend on this house I have nowhere else to go and I feel like I’m stuck somewhere I don’t want to be I feel so insecure now and we still help each other a lot Im just honestly devastated Angry drained Have so many emotions right now plus We have a dog and would hate leaving her too, sometimes you straight people have it so much easier because At least you are not as Promiscous as gays are and I dont even feel motivated dating ANYBODY I am someone who feels like its worth a lot but lately I’m feeling so small in this house Stuck and wish I could go its just so hard.
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Sana:

My husband who was saying that loves me on a daily basis one day informed me that he wants a divorce. Out of the blue (for me obviously). If you know what is it to be in shock, you understand my confusion and my feelings. I couldn’t believe he is for real…
He was smart enough to lie to me about his true feelings, he was determined to start the divorce asap without wanting to work on our relationships, but he was not willing to move out of the house after what he has done to me, my feelings and our family…
I feel so angry and want to say to everyone who is just like him: if you have decided to divorce, make sure you vacate the property. You don’t want to be with a person any longer? Bon voyage!
Let us – people with broken hearts, who feel just like me lost, betrayed, broken; pick up ourselves and start working on rebuilding our lives. And yes, don’t come back, as you have made your choice 😉
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Beth Lynch

Beth is a dedicated, solution focused breakup support coach with one main goal in mind: to help others get beyond the pain and loss of their breakup.

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