The 5 Step Technique That Will Help You Forgive a Relationship Even When You Don’t Want To
Contents
“It’s Not The Snakebite That Kills You, It’s The Venom”
Wow,“ venom!” Sounds a little strong in the context of relationships, eh? However, I want you to keep the above analogy in mind, as I will talk more about this shortly. You’ve probably heard the famous saying “forgive and forget.” Hmm that old cliché
I recognize the power of forgiveness, but to forget? Is that even possible or helpful? To intentionally erase experiences from your memory, especially if your partner “did you wrong” and deeply hurt you by the experience. Some would say there are situations where forgetting is possible and is a helpful coping mechanism, particularly for deep trauma and dissociation reasons. Perhaps, this is the case. However, I can’t help but feel that trying to force yourself to forget can cause undue pressure on you and also robs you of the opportunity to become the grandest version of YOU!
The situation has happened, and you can’t turn back time. The worst is behind you, and it is your ability to learn from the experience that plays such an essential role in the art of forgiveness. #RealTalk = forgiveness may sound easier said than done and granted; it may take some time to move on. Nevertheless, using life’s obstacles, distresses and disappointments to provide you with perspective rather than hold grudges or feel emotionally burdened, are you standing in your authentic diamond-dazzling power!
If you’ve been following me for some time, you know I’m all about directing you TOWARDS your empowerment. Forgiveness is SO empowering. Therefore, I’m going to show you how to regain your power by acknowledging past wounds, to leave you confident in handling similar situations in your relationship should they arise again.
Sound good? Fab! Because, if any toxic unforgiving thoughts, feelings, and emotions about the past and the present are holding you back in your relationship, now is your opportunity to heal, grow and let go of negative and painful patterns. How?
Well, let’s go back to the analogy:
“It’s Not The Snakebite That Kills You – It’s The Venom”
Once a snake bites you, you’re bitten. You can’t “un-bite” yourself. However, it’s not the bite that kills us. We can get bitten by all kinds of animals and survive. But what is it about a poisonous snakebite that makes it lethal?
It’s the venom, not the bite
So let’s put this into context: The bite is the situation that has happened to you, and the venom is the negative thoughts and feelings that come with being deeply hurt by this situation. The beautiful thing is that you can do something about not allowing the venom to run through your veins freely. When we feel wounded by others, it is like they pierce us and leave behind venom. If these thoughts and feelings (the venom) are not dealt with, they poison us slowly, spoiling how we see ourselves and how we see our relationship with our partner.
Venom is lethal, but forgiveness is the anti-venom
Forgiveness is the healer. It is the cure. It’s the first thing you need to do to stop the venom from taking hold. So, if you’re having difficulties dealing with the pain of hurts and wrongs done to you, forgive – it’s your single best defense. If you forgive, it’s only a matter of time before you heal. But let’s get this straight, to forgive doesn’t mean you’re condoning your partner’s actions. It means surrendering yourself to your feelings and freeing YOURSELF. It means you chose to carry the pain of the situation no longer. It means you are choosing peace and allowing yourself to be released, to be free and to move on mentally, emotionally and sometimes even physically.
You can begin to forgive your partner by holding the intention of seeing the positive aspects of them. Undeniably, when we’re in the middle of a situation or feel deeply wounded, we can struggle to find any positive aspects of it. While you may feel there are no positive aspects to your partner or the particular situation and you may not be able to work out what to do to make you feel better, you always can figure out how it is you would like to FEEL. You know you would rather feel happy than sad, peace than anger, loving than unforgiving. There is so much that you have gone through in your life that has brought you to the place of knowing what you like better.
The ‘Positive Aspects’ technique is a way of allowing you to raise your feelings and emotions about your partner and the situation to quickly bring you to a place of feeling good and forgiving. This is a useful skill for using now and in any future situations, because when you have positive thoughts, feelings and emotions and you’re feeling better more of the time, more things that you believe to be good will bleed into your relationship and other aspects of your life.
The 5 step ‘Positive Aspects’ technique goes like so:
1. On the top of the page of a piece of paper, write the name of your partner or a brief description of the situation.
2. As you focus on their name or description you have written, ask yourself these questions: What do I like about my partner/ this situation? What good feelings do I get from my partner/ this situation? What are the positive aspects of my partner/this situation?
3. Then, gently and easily, begin writing down the thoughts that come to you in response to your questions. Let them flow through you onto your paper.
4. Write as long as the feelings flow and then read what you have written and enjoy your own words.
5. The next day, read what you wrote the day before and if new thoughts come to you about the person or situation, add to it. Continue this process daily, ideally at the beginning of each day for a full week or even longer if you feel it’s benefiting you and keeping you feeling positive and good.
Remember, forgiveness also includes forgiving yourself for unkind thoughts about you. If you’re feeling very critical about yourself and not liking yourself and continually focusing upon the negative aspects of your own experience, then what happens is you begin to see in your partner many of the same things. This spiral of negativity becomes your life experience, where the things that you like least in yourself are the things that you like least in your partner.
You will be amazed at the ripple effect an ounce of forgiveness can have in your life and in your relationship. Once you apply the art of forgiveness, a whole new world of possibilities for you and your partner opens up.
Give Yourself The Gift Of Forgiveness Today And Set Yourself Free!
I hope you found this article ultra-valuable in some way and I would love you to share your thoughts in the comments below.
Wishing you the love, connection, and happiness you desire and deserve.
Samantha:
Very interesting article, very well written. I can see how many situations I have experienced and in my relationships. How it is important for adults who have had childhoods of no emotional support (Like myself) and not enough good peer support too throughout their lives, learning important confidence to be a happy fulfilled person and taught to ignore bullies and taught incorrectly my feelings are not valid and I was always wrong and encourage me to be someone I am not and misconceptions on me based on my looks and lack of inexperience in some things. I am more aware now, I was surrounded by more people who misguided me who were meant to love and nurture me and be the best person I can and reach my potential.
I have learnt from my best friends and some good nice caring mature and loving compassionate people. I was right all along and I am entitled to be respected in return, loved in return, not one sided, I am a relationship person and not someone who is asexual or constant sleeping around with strangers (I was led on to believe when I did not have enough peer support me when needed it) I have researched a lot on things, watched educational programmes and reading websites to teach me things to find my answers I have been searching for. I realised it was not my fault for being bullied, others saw me as a threat and jealous. Couldn’t see me for who I am and take time to get to know me. I have stayed true to myself, that I am a lovely person inside and out. Learnt to control my emotions, assertive and not take rubbish from people who are set out to portrait me as being a boyfriend stealer and who knows what else. I am loved most by my best friends and nephew and niece. Nephew taught me more about myself too, when I wasn’t well. I am more maternal and in tune with others needs and that he felt same way I did being ignored and not enough shown by people meant to love us. Standing my ground more to others who still try to undermine my intelligence and capabilities. Hoping now I have let go of more past hurts, mixed up feelings and conflicting opinions from others. They are hypocrites and bullies. They have their own life and I have mine. Supporting right way, not dictating and being personal to try to make the other person feel inferior etc. Surround yourself with people who love you for you and provide you with emotional support. Life is too short and know from personal experiences.