The Breakdown of the Mother-Daughter Relationship

Why does the breakdown of the mother-daughter relationship happen?

Hey friend. Do you remember being a little girl? I certainly do. I used to spend hours just staring at my mother’s beautiful dresses, running my tiny fingers through her jewelry box, thinking she was the most amazing woman in the world living this magical adult life. I wanted to be just like her, friend. I wanted to soak up her love.

I even remember this pure, joyful moment she bought me boots that matched hers. I still treasure a photograph of us together in our matching boots, jeans and jumpers. It was perfect.

I think most little girls love and idolize their mothers. It is our first ever relationship with another person, and our tender young hearts are often devoted and full of love.

But as we grow up and become more aware, that early veneration often shifts into different emotions. For some lucky daughters, it evolves into a realistic version of that adoration – a mix of love, mutual respect and deep friendship. But for others? The relationship with their mother starts to move in another direction entirely.

I know so many lovely ladies whose relationship with their mother has broken down, leaving very little love, respect or positive feelings behind. It is heartbreaking, isn’t it?

Some of you have told me your mother nags you to change your ways – your clothes, your hair, your parenting style or your lifestyle. The list feels endless. Some have mothers that interfere, demand or try to control their lives. Some have mothers who judge and compare them to others or to themselves.

Does this sound familiar to you, lovely? If you have felt the sting of comparison or constant critique, drop a “Yes” in the comments. You are definitely not alone in this.

Many women are resentful there isn’t the relationship they want, wishing for a more loving, caring or supportive mother.

Yet, so many of us still try to please or pacify our mothers. We try to meet her expectations no matter how it makes us feel or the impact it has on our own little families. We do it all just to continue to receive approval and love, and to ensure her happiness.

But here is the real truth, friend.

When you do this, you are contributing just as much to the breakdown of this relationship as your mother is. Your mother may be placing her expectations on you, yet you are doing the exact same thing in return by expecting her to be the “ideal” of what you think a mother should be.

In any relationship, you can’t change another person. You can only change yourself and your responses to that person. And this certainly applies in the mother-daughter relationship, even when it is your first and often longest relationship.

If you try to think of your mother in a more objective way, as a woman rather than your mother, then perhaps you can gain some perspective.

Try to see your relationship with her not as a mother/daughter dynamic but as a relationship between two women. She is a woman placing her expectations on you, and you feel hurt because she is not meeting the expectations you have placed on her.

Think about it this way: If she were a friend and your relationship had reached this point, how long would that friendship last? Just because it’s a relationship with your mother, doesnt mean you should sacrifice your own feelings to make her happy. You are not living life for her, friend. Neither should you feel resentful that she is not living up to your ideal of a mother.

Expectations kill a relationship.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this – have you ever tried viewing your mom just as another woman? Share your experience in the comments below, your story might help another woman realize she isn’t crazy for feeling this way!

Just as with any relationship, being open and honest with your feelings, needs and wants is important to improving a damaged mother-daughter relationship.

In some cases, your mother may not be truly aware of what she does and how it makes you feel. Sometimes, just bringing it to awareness can be enough to instigate some positive changes. In other situations, you may need to firmly and lovingly set boundaries about what is good for you in your relationship with her.

Feeling resentful of your mother, complaining or feeling sad about a poor relationship with her is only detrimental to you, darling. It doesn’t change anything, and it hurts you more than anyone else. Now, I’m not advocating ending the relationship with your mother just because it doesn’t meet your ideal, nor am I saying you should become demanding about what you want or force change to happen.

Instead, first practice acceptance of what the situation has become. Accept that your mother is her own person, free to act how she chooses. Then understand that even if you make the first move in trying to improve things, it may still not be perfect. As with any relationship, you may need to set healthy boundaries, or occasionally take a “time-out” to protect your energy.

Also, understanding why a mother can become demanding, nagging or judgmental helps to view the situation with less emotional entanglement. See her as a human being – a human who may also be experiencing a whirlwind of emotions. Perhaps she is feeling a void in her life that she is expecting her child to fill. This void could be due to any number of things – sadness, fear, resentment, low self-esteem, anxiety etc. But it is not up to you to heal, fix or change her.

It is vital that in this mother-daughter relationship, that we honor the love and gift that is that bond, but that as relationships grow and change, we are also true to ourselves.

We Want to Hear From You!
This is a safe space, ladies. Share your story in the comments below – your experience might be the exact thing another woman needs to read today. Let’s support each other in healing these bonds or finding peace within ourselves!