I Can’t Believe They Said That! – How to Rise Above a Hostile Conversation

Can You Believe They Said That?! Navigating Hostile Conversations with Grace

I could not believe they said that!!!! How many times have you found yourself in a hostile conversation with someone, and you just could not believe the words coming out of their mouth! It is that horrible, gut-wrenching moment where you freeze and ask yourself, “How could they have said that?”

But maybe you have had the opposite experience, friend. You have said something, and all of a sudden, the room goes totally cold! You see that look on someone’s face, and you know they are the ones asking themselves, “How could she have said that?” Whichever side you have been on, it is a situation that never feels good! As we go about our daily lives, we know that having these tricky situations pop up with family, friends, and coworkers is unavoidable!

So, what causes such miscommunication, lovely? How do we end up misunderstanding each other so severely?

It is so easy to let yourself slip into judgment and blame towards the other person. And into denial about what *your* part of the conversation was. But by doing so, you really are selling yourself short and losing a fantastic opportunity to learn more about yourself and the people around you.

**I’d love to know – have you felt this shift in a conversation recently? Let me know in the comments how you handled it!**

The Two Faces of Communication: Benign vs. Hostile

All communication has two sides to it, ladies, and depending on which side you choose to focus on determines exactly how you are going to feel.

One side of communication is called **benign**… this is where we see the positive meaning and the positive intention behind whatever was said. We most often focus on the benign side of things if we have a great relationship with the person we are talking to, or if we are looking to create a bond.

It’s also easy to see the benign side of a conversation when we are already in agreement with what the person has said. We tend to see the good in the other person and give them the benefit of the doubt even if we might be unsure how things are meant.

Think about the easiest conversations you have… you care about the person speaking, and you normally are in agreement with whatever they are saying. You also want to deepen the bond between you and do that by assigning them the best intentions.

But then, there is the other side.

When we focus on the other side of communication, called the **hostile** side, it seems no matter what the words are or what is said, you *know* they meant something awful! Something mean, something that was meant to hurt you and to exclude you!!

Normally we focus on the hostile side when we are at odds with someone, when we have some history with them that includes painful times, or – and this is something to really consider, friend – the person is so similar to us and it awakens our subconscious to the fact that there is something about *ourselves* that we are not at peace with!

Whatever the reason is, we tend to see the “bad” in the other person and we “know” they meant it in a negative way, no matter what they say. Even when others try to tell us it could mean something else, we refuse to accept the evidence and we would never come to that natural conclusion ourselves.

So what can we do, friend?

How can we bring peace not only to the conversation but also to the relationship?

The first step is being aware of what you are doing!

When someone says something that makes you grit your teeth just to hold back the words that are dying to come out, take a minute and remind yourself that you are focusing on the hostile side of what they are saying.

Awaken yourself to the idea that this is not just that simple, its not just right and wrong or black and white. Look at what was said with fresh eyes, instead of the old unaware way of looking at it!

**We Want to Hear From You!**
Share your story in the comments below – your experience might help another woman dealing with a difficult person today. Let’s support each other!

The second step is asking yourself what the benign side would say!

What good intention could you give the painful comment? What positive indication could it have? What might you not be understanding? What point of view could you not be seeing?

Now don’t think I can’t hear you!! I know what you’re saying!! You’re saying, “But Meg, you don’t know so and so and how awful they are. And how mean their words are!”

Trust me, I understand – I have those people in my life too!

Reframing the Hurt: A Call for Love

Let me reassure you, lovely. Even when someone says something so incredibly hurtful, so incredibly painful, and even if their intentions were hostile, there is *always* a benign side that you can choose to focus on.

Painful comments are simply another way of communicating that someone feels seperate from you and that they don’t like feeling that way. Snarky remarks are just another way people expose how they feel unworthy of your love and admiration, and a cover-up to try and prove they don’t care that they are not worthy.

One-up-manship is just another way to say, “Please tell me I’m worthy of love because I don’t believe that I am.”

Every communication is either a call for love or a loving response. No matter what the words are, the question underneath is always, “Do you love me?” and “Am I worthy of love?”

Remember, if you are having a hard time doing that, and something slips out of your mouth that is more on the hostile side, that is YOU asking for love, that is you asking if you’re worthy!

Most arguments and misunderstandings are just two people asking if they are loved… be the One that answers with a loud YES!!!!

I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts, friend! Have you ever turned a hostile moment into a loving one? Share your wisdom in the comments below so we can all learn from you!