Communicate or Masturbate

First Things First: A Little Perspective

Hey you, let’s get one thing straight right off the bat. I’m no relationship expert – not even close. I’m just a writer, and a fiction one at that. I feel, I see, I think, and then I put it all down on paper. So, please know this is just my perspective, not a prescription for how you must live your life.

I’m a woman in a long-term relationship, navigating five years of building a beautiful, messy life with my partner, Mary. We are figuring it out in this modern world full of endless information, connections, and distractions. I’m a huge believer in equality. No outdated gender roles here, ladies. I do the stir-fries, Mary handles the spag-bol. I tend to vacuum while she scrubs the shower. Its about two people connecting and doing whats best for themselves and each other.

Every relationship is unique, you. Only you truly know what works for yours. But while our interests and desires might differ – which is what makes love such a fascinating source of intrigue – we all share the need for equality and respect. Paradoxically, sometimes it is the things we don’t have in common that connect us the most. And that is exactly where strong communication becomes non-negotiable.

We’d love to know – how do you and your partner divide the “life admin”? Drop a comment below and share your routine!

The Struggle of Real Talk

Communication isn’t just about expressing yourself, lovely. It’s about taking the time to listen, to understand, and to really take on board what your partner is sharing.

But here is the real question: how do you communicate if you aren’t comfortable with what you’re saying?

It’s tough. I’m certainly not perfect at this. I’ve kept things bottled up inside when they were just simmering little problems, scared to rock the boat when everything looked fine on the surface. But those simmers? They eventually boil. And when they boil over, they always burn worse than if I’d just spoken up sooner.

I’ve probably been a hypocrite and a dick at times (I mean, hasn’t every man morphed into a giant version of his ego at some point?). Mostly, I knew when I was wrong, but didn’t know how to fix it. Was I supposed to just tell myself to “be better”? Or just sing Que Sera in my head like an emotionally inept man-child while falling into a silent, disconnected relationship?

Stepping Out of the Comfort Zone

I had to tell myself: “Wake up, pay attention.” She deserves the best of you, and you deserve to show her who you can truly be. A huge part of my growth came from questioning myself. Why did I let small problems get big? Who was I protecting by staying silent – me or Mary?

Have you ever felt that hesitation, you? That moment where you swallow your words to keep the peace?

I had to ask myself hard questions. When could I have stopped to reflect? Did I have the courage to really hear what Mary needed to say? These aren’t easy things to face. But I always remind myself: The best way to build your comfort zone is to leave it. You have to get to know yourself in the spaces you haven’t ventured into yet.

Good Hurt vs. Bad Hurt

Our communication strengthened the moment we were willing to hurt each other – and brave enough to accept we might get hurt in return. It sounds scary, I know. But the truth can be hard to hear. What is life without a little pain if not real? Doesn’t it seem reasonable that a genuine connection with honest communication will entail some hardship?

Let me clarify something for you lovely ladies. There is good hurt and there is bad hurt.

• Good hurt brings growth and a greater level of trust.
• Bad hurt causes stagnation and resentment.

In a healthy relationship, we are aiming for the good hurt. Mary and I have discovered that we become stronger – together and as individuals – through these heartaches. We make an effort to ensure our pain is positive because it leads to Truth. And Truth is knowledge, and knowledge is power. The more we know, the more empowered we are as a couple.

Have you experienced a “good hurt” that made your relationship stronger? We want to hear your story! Share your experience in the comments below – it might help another woman going through the same thing.

We’re In This Together

None of this happened overnight. But we’re here, and we are pretty bloody happy. We are married and expecting our first child in June! This will undoubtedly require even greater communication and test us for the next few decades… but strangely, I’m excited.

We got here with love, friendship, and communication. But it also took motivation, determination, and persistence. Our relationship is a work in progress, forever. At least these days we don’t have to rely on mind-reading so much. That shit is tiresome, and honestly, I’m terrible at it.

Don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t work immediately, you. No two people are perfect for each other the moment they meet. They must find their perfection together. Fall, fuck-up, fail, and find a way to rise. Fight for the thing worth fighting for: an honest, loving, trusting relationship.

Why This Matters (The Fun Part)

Without trust, honesty, communication, and respect, love is just another four-letter word, like shit.

PS: I know I didn’t explicitly relate the content to the title until now. But it’s true if you think about it, isn’t it? A healthy sex life is a hallmark of a healthy relationship, and strong, honest communication underpins a healthy relationship. Therefore, great communication leads to great sex. No communication might just lead to no sex, leaving you flying solo more often than you’d like.

PPS: That’s not to say masturbation isn’t a great thing – it’s incredibly healthy, useful, and necessary. But if I’d added “only” into the title, it just wouldn’t have flowed… Perhaps.

Until next time, stay interested and stay interesting.