I Was a Hot Mess in Love and Not in a Cute Way

From Hot Mess to High Vibe: My Journey to Self-Love

Not that long ago, I was a complete hot mess in love. And honestly? I attracted hot messes of men, too.

Let’s be real, ladies. My past relationships were the perfect storm of drama and co-dependence. I was full of a toxic blend of anxiety and perfectionism that just wouldn’t quit. I was inauthentic and, if I’m being totally honest, I was terrified of my own truth. I pretended a lot. I didn’t have solid boundaries. I was a “yes” woman with absolutely no idea how to say “no.”

Does this sound familiar to you, lady? Have you ever felt like you were wearing a mask just to keep the peace, hoping that if you were “perfect” enough, everything would just work out?

Parallel to these unhealthy and tumultuous loves, I was actually training to become a mental health therapist. Talk about irony, right? I wanted to be a healer, and I felt called to be a more authentic version of myself. But in my graduate school courses, my defenses were stripped down. All of a sudden, there wasn’t any room to be an unhealthy lover if I wanted to be a catalyst for someone else’s growth.

Soon after graduate school finished, amidst a heartbreaking end to a deep relationship, I realized I could no longer live a duel life of being a healthy healer while living in unhealthy relationships. I discovered that I was completely over my own inauthenticity. I realized that taking care of myself was the only way to create boundaries and maintain my truth.

During those past relationships, I was actually a master at taking care of myself externally. I always looked fabulous and put together. But my internal situation? That was a whole other story. Because I slept poorly, I was often sick. I didn’t eat well for my body, and I was usually feeling internal turmoil. My anxiety was through the roof, and I had no idea how to bring it down.

We’ve all been there – looking friend on the outside while crumbling on the inside. It is exhausting, isn’t it? I’d love to know how you handle that pressure when life gets overwhelming. Drop a thought in the comments, let’s get real with each other!

Healing and Finding True Connection

After the big breakup, I spent months just healing. I read books, I caught up on sleep, I ate healthy foods, and I did all the nurturing things I could do to transition into the healthy woman I knew I wanted to be. I realized that to be in a fulfilling relationship, I had to figure out my boundaries, my truth, and my own self-nurturing first.

When I was finally ready for my next lover (who ended up becoming my husband), I knew the most essential ingredients for how to be an authentic, healthy partner. We were both in the same frame of mind, and we established some clear boundaries right from the start. I expressed to him that one of my goals was to be “authentically Katherine” all of the time.

He thought that was funny and didn’t quite know what I meant. “Aren’t you always authentic?” he asked. I had to explain that it took me a long time to feel confident enough to let go of codependent, perfectionist behaviors. As we were falling in love, we both agreed that our personal self-care was incredibly important to show up for each other well.

That was eleven years ago, and since then we’ve definitely had obstacles to overcome. We became parents of twin boys, and let me tell you, our self-care went right out the window for a bit! We’ve managed highly demanding jobs that left little room for extra time for us. We’ve ebbed and flowed until we’ve gotten to this place of understanding that what makes our relationship operate well is our own practices of self-care.

I truly believe that self-care is one of the primary reasons why my current relationship operates so well. When it falls away, I find that both of us are disconnected and have a low vibe. When we are both in our zone, we are present and able to connect so much more deeply.

Here are a few things that we do together (and separately) to maintain our self-care:

• 1. We sweat it out together. We encourage each other with healthy activities like exercising. We have an unspoken rule that we will make sure to support each other and be available to manage the twins so that the other one can get their workout in.
• 2. Fueling our bodies right. We have made a commitment to eat healthy foods. We’ve infused this into our entire family because health is wealth, lovely.
• 3. Prioritizing rest. We have a regular sleep schedule. Rarely do either of us stay up way past the other one. We focus on making sleep a priority because everything looks better after a good nights rest.
• 4. Date nights are non-negotiable. We make time for dates. With children and busy schedules, years can sometimes go by the wayside if you aren’t careful. But, we’ve consistently made sure that we schedule and enjoy our alone time together.
• 5. Open communication about needs. We talk about it when our self-care has not been a priority. Not in an accusing way, but in a way that expresses love and compassion.
• 6. Laughing through the chaos. We laugh at drama. Both of us have had our dramatic moments. They usually are pretty funny in hindsight. We try to keep a sense of humor when we melt down.
• 7. Respecting the line. We establish and respect boundaries. I know what limitations are essential to my husband and he knows mine. We talk about them whenever we need to.
• 8. Weekly check-ins. We work on communicating often. We have weekly conversations about finances, parenting, work, and our own wellbeing.

Which one of these resonates most with you? I know for me, number 6 is a lifesaver! Drop a comment and let me know which habit you want to start with your partner.

And, here are some things I do personally to maintain my authenticity and self-care:

• 1. Staying conscious. I strive to be conscious of when I am feeling inauthentic. I notice what triggers inauthenticity inside of me, and then I do things to bring me back to my center.
• 2. Listening to my body. If I am full of anxious feelings, am tired or worn out, I do what I need to do to get back to center. That might mean taking a nap, a hot bath, or creating time for meditation.
• 3. Gratitude journaling. I have a solid journaling practice where I tap into my gratitude and my higher self. It really shifts my mindset and keeps me grounded.
• 4. Embracing the flow. I allow myself to ebb and flow. I used to think I had to maintain perfectionism all the time. And to be happy all of the time. Now, I allow myself to experience the good and bad days fully without judgment.

Healthy relationships are so much more fulfilling than the unhealthy ones. It wasn’t until I yearned for something more than what I had been attracting that I realized I could actually have something different. By establishing a foundation for love, it became much more comfortable to call it healthy love.