Fat Isn’t a Feeling: Finding the Real Emotions Behind Body Shaming

How many times have you said the phrase, “I feel so fat today?”

If that number is way too high to count, I want you to know right now – you’re not alone, lovely. So many women (and men too!) are walking around saying this phrase over and over again. It plays on repeat in our heads. But very few of us are aware of what we’re actually implying when we say it.

Think about it for a second, friend: what do you actually mean by saying that you “feel” fat?

Because here is the truth bomb: Fat isn’t an emotion.

What does fat actually mean to you? For most people, saying “I feel fat” is really code for “I feel ugly, unlovable, unworthy, or lazy.”

Let me tell you, NONE of these things are synonymous with fat. But we live in a world with a lot of screwed up messages. This increasingly fat-phobic society is teaching us that fat equals unhealthy, unsuccessful, and unattractive. And honestly? It’s exhausting.

Now, let’s flip the script. What about when you say, “I feel skinny”? What most of us mean to say is, “I feel beautiful, worthy, and loveable.”

These are all perfectly valid things to want to feel! But none of them are truly synonymous with being skinny. Beauty is a state of mind, lovely, not a checklist that you have to accomplish in order to give yourself the “pretty” title. Feeling lovable and worthy are choices – they are not dependent on the number on the scale.

When we say these things, we make it so that our perception of what we look like dictates how good we’re ALLOWED to feel that day. Or worse, how bad we HAVE to feel. “Feeling fat” means we’re forced to feel terrible. “Feeling skinny” means that you’re allowed to feel good about yourself. Does that sound fair to you?

I’d love to know if this resonates with you. Have you ever let a “fat day” ruin a perfectly good moment? Share your experience in the comments below, let’s support each other through this!

The Heavy Weight of Shame

As a food and body love coach, I see this all the time. Many of the beautiful women that I work with have a hard time getting around the “feeling” of fat. They come to me saying that they don’t want to “feel like a cow” anymore (and let’s be real, cows are definitely not an emotion either).

I always ask them to get really clear with themselves. We have to look at how they are realistically feeling and what the implications behind those feelings are.

With any struggle in the food & body image area, there’s a lot of shame involved. Many women feel ashamed about their weight, their eating habits, an eating disorder, or their exercise routine (or lack thereof).

It’s not so much the situation itself that creates the shame, but the EMOTION that we’re putting behind it.

Weight gain, for example, makes us FEEL unworthy or unlovable. That is what drives the shame cycle. But, saying “Ugh, I feel fat” is often easier than diving into what we’re truly afraid of feeling. It feels safer, doesnt it?

It’s easier to blame our body for our unhappiness than to dig deep into the emotional work that is required of improving body image and living happier lives. For women who have spent years yo-yo dieting, blaming their bodies feels instinctual when they’re using weight loss as their one means to fulfillment.

A Practice to Uncover Your True Feelings

Ready to do some work, ladies? Here is a little step-by-step practice to dig into what you’re feeling. We want to actually heal those sensations instead of letting them linger and dictate your day.

Original thought: “I feel fat”

What does “fat” feel like?
It feels like I’m too heavy, ugly, and undesirable.

Do I know for certain that these things are true?
Well, technically I learned these things. Meaning that fatness is not actually equal to ugly.

If they are true, what is the worst thing that can come from these things?
Being undesirable means that no one will love me.

Keep going, don’t stop now…

What is the worst thing that can come from that?
It means that I will be alone forever, and that is scary.

The Fear Behind the Feeling

Boom. There it is.

So we’ve just uncovered the REAL reason that you’re not feelin’ so good that day. It has nothing to do with your body, friend. It’s about your fear that you’ll be alone, not good enough, or abandoned. This is about you putting pressure on your body to make other people love you.

This is about you not trusting your body because you’re making her responsible for your happiness. And if you don’t feel happy? You blame your body and reinforce this distrust.

To be clear, this is a totally valid fear. In my opinion, it is the biggest fear that drives all of our negative feelings. It’s important to be really honest about what’s true for you in that moment. We need to let your body off the hook. She’s doing the best she can, just like you are.

I’m calling BS on the “fat” feeling right now! Next time you’re reaching to use one of these phrases, get real with yourself about what you’re actually feeling. It’s ONLY from THAT point of view that we can learn to disassociate what we perceive our body to look like that day from how we want to feel.